I was the CEO of a 2006 start up designed to record the ordinary stories of ordinary people as legacy for their families. I hired independent videographers around the USA who I trained in an interview style that I had developed. This clip is from one of those interviews.
The damage from having a manipulative, dishonest, or threatening father can be profound and long-lasting. When a father—someone who ideally represents safety, trust, and stability—uses manipulation or threats, it can create a world where the child feels constantly unsafe and unable to trust people, especially authority figures or those close to them.
Low Self-Esteem: A child who’s manipulated or threatened can grow up feeling that their needs and feelings aren’t valid or important. Over time, this can lead to poor self-worth and a belief that they’re somehow flawed or unworthy.
Trust Issues: If a father consistently lies or manipulates, it can lead the child to believe that others are also untrustworthy. This can make it hard to form healthy relationships, whether personal or professional, as an adult.
Fear and Anxiety: Living under constant threat creates a heightened stress response. Many people who grow up with fear-based parenting struggle with chronic anxiety, which can be debilitating.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: When a parent manipulates, it teaches a child that their boundaries don’t matter. This can make it difficult for them to assert their own needs or protect themselves in relationships, often leading to codependency or unhealthy relationship patterns.
Internalized Anger or Shame: A person may internalize the experience, resulting in anger turned inward (depression) or anger directed at others, potentially harming relationships or self-perception.
Why do some fathers act this way?
Power and Control: Some fathers may feel insecure about their role or may not have the emotional skills to communicate with their children in healthier ways. They may try to gain control through manipulation or threats to ensure their authority is never questioned.
Unresolved Trauma: Some fathers might have had similar experiences in their own upbringing. If they were controlled or mistreated by their own parents, they might repeat these patterns without understanding the harm they’re causing.
Stress or Mental Health Issues: Sometimes, a father’s behavior stems from unresolved stress or mental health challenges, which makes it hard for him to regulate his emotions. This isn’t an excuse, but it can be a factor in explaining why he behaves destructively.
Cultural or Social Conditioning: In some families or cultures, fathers feel pressured to be strict and authoritative, seeing manipulation as a way to maintain order and discipline. They may believe they’re preparing their children for a “tough world” without understanding the long-term harm they’re inflicting.
Lack of Awareness or Empathy: Some fathers are genuinely unaware of the impact their behavior has on their children, especially if they lack empathy or emotional intelligence.